Bearing grudges (withholding forgiveness)
Posted on July 4, 2008
I used to do this a lot - someone would wrong me in some way, and I’d cling to the event, hold it against them - revisit it, time and time again. Over time what happened would grow in my memory, and dominate my impression or memories of that person.
Negative people, while I removed them from my life, by bearing a grudge against them i kept the memory of the way they impacted on me alive, kept it fresh in my mind. They may have been no longer present in my physical life, but they very much were in the life inside my head. Over and over again.
Then I read or heard a simple question, that turned things around for me.
Paraphrased, it’s something like “Who benefits from you holding that grudge?”.
Who are you hurting? Not them, that’s for sure.
Holding a grudge is like picking at a scab - the wound stays open, and gets worse.
Leaving it alone lets it heal.
To do that, you have to be able to forgive. I’m not talking about some dramatic scene, just do it in your head. If it’s someone you’ve excluded from your life for valid reasons, there’s no need for them to ever know about it. Once you’ve forgiven them, you can let it go, let the wound heal.
I’m not for a second suggesting that you should try to forget. Forgetting would involve not learning from your experience. Forgiving just means not letting it continue to harm you.
Bonus exercise for advanced students - what is regret, except a grudge you hold against yourself?
[image by dhammza]
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